Part 2: A Field Guide for Spotting Unsafe Men in Spiritual Communities

The Hunt

If in the wilds of the spiritual community this man is allowed to approach - and sisters there is no shame or blame here if he does. I’ve been approached many a time.

Once I got caught.

To be hunted was blue printed into me because of being raised by an unsafe man and taking on the prey mentality - it is not your fault. What would feel unsafe to others felt safe to me. This isn’t someone unaware of their impact, they are literally ‘hunting’ - it is a game of power and control - a hunt

A great reference for this work is the book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft - who literally writes out a typology of these men after working to help abusive men recover for years.

The hunt begins once he has built this fantasy world - your dream romcom scenario. You’ve had deep eye-gazing sessions, powerful shared psychic moments, you’ve looked at the stars and talked about building a life together, he’s woken you up with the sweetest gifts and kisses, whispered exactly the right things in your ear to melt your heart. And the sex. OMG. You’ve never had sex like that in your life before - it’s a spiritual experience. You believe you’ve met the man of your dreams.

Later, you will understand this was all a trap. As a spider weaves a beautiful web to catch a fly - he has woven this web of dreams to catch you. What you missed is that you were studied - all those probing questions weren’t because he was interested in you - it was to learn you - so he could match you. He could create a world to lure you into that was so beautiful there is no way you could resist. Too good to be true is a saying for a reason. I know this sounds crazy right? Like how? Why would a person do that? I grappled with that for years.

Now what I understand is this:

These men, they are here to initiate us.

Women are being asked to rise. The feminine energy is coming into recalibration because that is what the Earth needs now. To rise we must step out of patterns of codependency - we must stop outsourcing our worth to men and find it within. These relationships break you - and sometimes to grow you gotta be broken. I would not have chosen the path of spiritual growth willingly. I had to be in the most pain. I did it all in the beginning to somehow get him back. Then I grew enough to realize I didn’t want someone who treated me like that in my life. This is why they are here. For us to rise from the wreckage more empowered. But to do that, you have to walk away.

To walk away begins by understanding you are entrapped.

The Hunt
The hunt begins like a subtle crack in fine china. The smallest of comments. It can often be dressed up in spiritual garb: You know you didn’t really show up in full presence last night.’ A little put down that if you look at just the words they said - could mean nothing. But you feel it somatically - energetically there is a barb. Most likely you dismiss it, because you don’t want to rock the boat, because of the accumulated evidence of how well they treat you, and most importantly - because you do not trust yourself enough to trust your body’s response.

If you trust your body you are unf*ckwithable. This is key. If not you will always be a potential prey.

So you say nothing. But this was never a casual remark, they are observing you. Observing how far they can push. If you don’t name it, if you don’t set a boundary, if you don’t trust your gut - they’ll go a step further. The next one will be a little more overt. But again, you say nothing, or say little, or let them deflect or dismiss anything you say.

Then something bigger, and this time you do say something. Now the game begins. Ladies, there is literally a term for this. It has been mapped - because they are not that clever. They are all playing the same game. DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offender) - they will deny blame, they will attack you and your character, they will position themselves as the victim in this situation, and you as the offender. They will do this all through a circular reasoning, word salad that will continue indefinitely if you engage.

There is no way to reason with this type of person, because that is not the game they are playing. The game is to confuse you into capitulation - I can’t tell you how often I would walk into the room with a legitimate issue I wanted to discuss with my partner and end up an hour later crying and apologizing for my behavior.

The crazy making part of this is: they often will be pillars in the community. They will walk out the door after completely deflating you and smile at everyone and ask how they can be of service.

When in the prey mentality, we often don’t trust ourselves - and this lack of perception in the larger community of what is going on behind closed doors is what will keep you in a toxic situation.

You have to learn to trust yourself. By any means necessary.

And in the spiritual community, it goes a layer deeper. There is this deep conversation in many spiritual communities around ‘victim mentality’.

If you’ve encountered this man in the wilds of the spiritual world - he will know all about this and use it against you. He will tell you ‘don’t play the victim’ - you will want to be better so that he will love you. So that the good days at the beginning will come back - because you obviously ruined them with your behavior. So you will believe him.

He may even be right - you may be doing things that are out of line. AND the key is -

Does he take accountability for his behavior as well?

In relationship we all get activated - it’s an intimate space. The key is how we hold each other in that. If you are able to offer kindness and empathy to him and that is not reciprocated when you make mistakes - there is a problem.

This is a game of domination. They will continue to push, further and into more and more insane situations. There is no way to win this game. You cannot please them enough. You cannot reason with them. The only way is to walk away.

Your part is that you stay (I will speak more on this in a different article). If you are unable to walk away - find ways to take time away from them, with people who know you deeply. Who see you. Definitely seek help from a qualified therapist with experience in toxic relational dynamics. Do not try couples therapy. Do not try to help them heal.

As the hunt progresses, Oftentimes there will be other women involved. They will be cultivating a supply of validation elsewhere as they suck your energy and begin to lose interest in you. It’s literally like a cat playing with a mouse. Tossing it in the air over and over again just to see what happens. And as it loses its vitality, it’s spark, it’s life force - they become bored. Ready to move on to their next prey.

To be continued in the next article …

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PS: A Question You May be Asking Yourself: Am I the Unsafe One?

If you are in a toxic relationship - you are probably unsafe but in a different way. Outsourcing your worth, and being emotionally dependent on another is unsafe as well. However, you aren’t emotionally attacking the other. Also, everyone has toxic traits sometimes where we can use some of these tactics when we are triggered. That does not make everyone an unsafe person. If you are using them frequently- you are an unsafe person - at this moment - and you need to go work on your sh*t. No harm no foul. If you really devote yourself to working on yourself then you are becoming a safe person. If you can’t see how you might be unsafe, and will use these tactics so you never have to face that - then you there is little hope for recovery.

There is also something called ‘reactive abuse’ in these types of relationships. It means they are pushing you and your boundaries, and abusing you, and eventually you react in a way that is also abusive. Then they claim the victim and that you are the abuser. It is not the same. But it will keep you stuck in the dynamic because you will believe you are the problem. (You can learn more on reactive abuse and how it plays out here)

Finally, if you are embedded in this spiritual community, it will be hard to find people to speak to on this because everyone has been brainwashed into this ‘don’t be a victim’ mantra. It’s not that they are being intentionally harmful, but the conversation around abusive dynamics isn’t fully integrated into these communities - and they actually become hot beds for this type of relationship because women will blame themselves instead of standing up for themselves. Even therapists don’t necessarily understand. I’ve had ones that do and others that dismiss what I’ve gone through as just ‘both being triggered’. And I can’t blame them because - when you’ve gone through this you are literally living in the fantasy the unsafe person created. Where everything was good - until you and your problematic behavior destroyed it. So some days you will be clear, you will understand what truly happened - and others you will be in the fantasy. And it can be hard for others to follow along and support you.

You need to find resources like this guide, or communities that have studied this type of dynamic and can support you

Codependents Anonymous is free and has online meetings all the time

The Domestic Abuse Hotline is a resource. I called it one day myself, because I was so confused and I couldn’t understand what was happening. They won’t make you do anything they will just listen and tell you what they see.

What has your experience been? I would love to hear from you.